Fat. Acceptance?

I haven't been posting much, and for a blog that is a mere 2 months old that probably isn't a great sign. I want to tell you that I have been busy, with more family in town and a vacation to plan for, but truthfully I am feeling fat and trying to write about fat acceptance and posting pictures of myself doesn't feel very organic right now.

I have been obsessed with the fat acceptance movement for roughly 9 months or so. I was tired of feeling frumpy and feeling bad about myself for my extra poundage. I hated taking pictures with my skinny and beautiful friends. Especially a particularly tiny friend who's head came up to, and is about the same size as one of my boobs.

I stumbled upon this fat acceptance movement by accident. Until then I had no idea that somewhere out there, chubby, curvy. plus size, rubenesque and just plain fat people were OK with being fat. OK saying fat, OK being called fat. I wanted to cut my hair and was googling pictures of Pixie hair cuts. I kept coming across pictures of tiny girls. Ginnifer Goodwin, Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams. There were very virtually NO posts  of fat girls with Pixies. So I just googled "fat girl pixie hair cut" and discovered this, the nearsighted owl. the post I was directed to showed a beautiful woman with a snazzy pixie cut. The post wasn't just a fat girl with a pixie, but about how you should have any damn hairstyle you want, fat, thin or otherwise.  I spent the rest of that day immersed in reading this blog. On my phone.

I followed links on the owl to other blogs dedicated to something called "Fat Acceptance" and" healthy at every size (HAES)". I have to admit at first I was a little shocked. I have never in my life known a fat person who didn't mind being fat. I have been on some sort of diet since I was about 14. Even in the golden years after high school where I could down 4 martinis a night and still wear my Express Bikini jeans, I was still the curviest of my friends and always felt a bit unwieldy and out of place. So now here are people(women) saying, what? Who cares! be fat, be happy. be yourself. What? What would my girlfriends and I or my mother and I talk about if not for diets, and trainers and just how fat we were? I decided that I should try to do a little accepting of my fat.


 After losing about 50 lbs of baby weight last year, it felt good to stop dieting, I still went to the gym and took Andrew for long walks. I bought a bunch of new clothes instead of waiting to lose my last 10 pounds and for a while I felt really good about myself. But the truth was that, like with all quick fixes, the initial ease of acceptance began to fade.I started feeling like I could eat anything I wanted and started slacking off in the gym. I wasn't being healthy at my size and ended up putting on about 10 lbs.

Now of course I feel like crap. My back hurts, my jeans are tight and my face is puffed. I don't feel very accepting of myself and have resigned up for weight watchers and am hitting the weights at the gym again. I am hoping to lose the 10 lbs.

So how do you do it? Am I doomed to live the cycle of gain and lose for all my life? Do I give up and allow myself to gain a fair amount, (which I will )?  I can't. I have a fairly strong history of heart disease and diabetes in my family, I  have tested for high triglycerides. I have problems with IBS and chronic fatigue. I have a young child to raise.

 How can you accept your fat without also accepting MORE fat?

I guess that accepting your self is a process that can't happen overnight. There are never any quick fixes in life. just new ways to try and solve old problems and the will to keep trying until something works. I still very much believe in that Fat Acceptance movement. I know that I wont ever be petite or willowy and I am OK with that. However I do need to keep myself at a healthy size for me in order to feel well and to avoid some medical problems late in life. So instead of expecting it overnight I need to take it day by day. Avoid the scale and keep going to the gym. Eat a cupcake, but not 2. Keep the head up. Take some outfit photos. It's gonna be rough. Like I said. I feel really fat.

-MB