All Grown Up

I always thought that I would be a different person when I grew up. In a literal sense I figured that I would know more, worry less and over all be much much confidant than I was. I fantasized I would lose the little bit of chubbiness my brothers teased me about, my mom did say it was "baby fat" after all. Mostly I figured that I would be a wife and mother. That I would love it and that I would be good at it

I think I kept waiting for the grown up Jami to show up. I always assumed that if I met a man and got married that I would feel more secure with myself. That I would no longer be concerned with things like maintaining my weight or keeping my bills paid. Then of course I met a man and was married. Strangely enough the confidence didn't just absorb into my brain. I felt happy and loved but still chubby. Also being married sets a whole new path of financial obligations starting with the wedding and ending with those sweet adjoining burial plots and 2 for 1 headstones. 

After our prerequisite house purchase I bought a station wagon. I always wanted one because I like their boxy fat look. I felt that the next thing to do was to fill my fat little station wagon with a fat little baby. After half a thought and a few conversations I was pregnant! Crap! Grown up Jami should be arriving any day no to help out with this right? I mean I still have a mental argument with my step dad each night about doing the dishes, and everyone always says babies are a lot of work and Grown up Jami is supposed to handle this stuff with ease!

I remember before I was pregnant truly think that some women were babies themselves always complaining. How bad could it be to be pregnant? I mean sweet little bellies and glowing skin? Turns out that not all women experience such cuteness. I wasn't cute, I was pukey. Not only did I puke but I had a tendency to dry heave when I got hit with a particularly nasty smell. Most notorious were the leather seats in my prized new shagon wagon. Gross. I was also the winner of a decent case of carpal tunnel, insomnia and preecclampsia, and a solid 50lbs. Not the Plan. Oh and by the way, future Jami? Still a no show.

My sweet little baby was born 3 weeks early due to the preecclampsia and after a rough week in the NICU he came home. He was small and cranky. I was still large and tired.  But we recovered, and connected and became a little family. Andrew growing and learning and just being amazing. I started making sure that the house was a little cleaner so that he wouldn't pick things up off the floor. I did the dishes regularly so that he would have clean bottles. When I went back to work i made sure I had time to take of my family and myself, going to the Costco and the gym and now baby soccer. I stopped worry about how my body looked and stared focusing on what it could do, like making a human, caring for said human. I began to eat food that was healthy for my family and that we enjoyed.

Tonight my little family went on a bike ride. I gave my little son a bath. At some point I looked in the mirror and saw what was my inspiration for this post.

 Grown up Jami was staring back at me.


-MB